Receive Feedback Gracefully

Few people can handle constructive criticism with ease and grace!

In fact, Feedback is probably the most dreaded word in corporate settings. No one wants to be told “Let’s meet tomorrow, I have some feedback for you”. This, especially coming from a manager can make you break into a sweat and can trigger a very strong -albeit subconscious – threat response.

Feedback can make us feel small, under-valued and disrespected, especially if it is not skillfully delivered.

But leaving aside the messenger or the mode of delivery, there is no doubt that individuals who are open to feedback enjoy faster growth in their careers and warmer relations with significant people in their lives.

And although it’s easy to see constructive feedback as a deeply personal attack, there are some things that you can do to leverage this opportunity for your own learning and growth.

Get your ‘Feedback mindset’ on

Before going in for a feedback session, be aware about your own mindset and biases. What are your thoughts about this meeting? What’s your opinion about the feedback giver? Do you already have a position that you are going to defend at any cost?

The most ideal mindset to bring into any feedback conversation is that of openness, curiosity and genuinely wanting to understand the other person’s perspective.

Sheila Heen in her book ‘Thanks for the Feedback’ talks about making the shift in mindset from ‘Wrong spotting’ to ‘Difference Spotting’. Instead of looking for what’s wrong about the feedback, she suggests that we seek to understand the reasons for the differing perspectives.

Questions such as “How come we are seeing this differently? What data do you have that I don’t?” are some great examples of Difference-spotting.

Listening to understand, not to react.

While accepting feedback, it is important to listen without interrupting and to suppress that first immediate reaction to defend, rebut or give reasons. You can receive the message more accurately if you are concentrating on listening and this will help you better hear what they are really saying, not what you think they are saying.

Make sure you understand the message of what is being said to you. It is always a good idea to summarize the key points as you understand them, so that you know you have interpreted the feedback correctly. You can also ask questions for clarification where necessary, especially if you don’t agree with the feedback. “Could you give me an example of when I was late for a client meeting?” could be one such example.

Treat the Feedback as a Gift

As you close the meeting, thank the feedback giver as though they have given you a valuable gift. This is hard we know, but saying “Thank you for taking time to share your thoughts with me” it’s a graceful way to appreciate the other person for the time they have invested in your growth. It demonstrates to them that you are a keen listener who is open to learning and intent on improvement.

Thank them even if you don’t agree with the feedback given. Because what you choose to do with the gift, is completely up to you. Decide which part of the feedback makes sense to act on, as well as the consequences of following it or choosing to ignore it. Or if you would value a second opinion, you can always reach out to other colleagues to hear their perspectives.

Act on the Feedback

Once you figure out what needs to change, then comes the most important part of action-planning. Sometimes a great source could be the feedback giver themselves. Ask them “I’d love to hear your thoughts on how I could improve my communication style during meetings? Do you have any ideas?”

Marshall Goldsmith suggests the ‘Feedforward’ method, where you ask a group of your closest well-wishers their suggestions on what you could do to enhance a particular skill or change a specific behaviour. Listen to these suggestions openly, without judgment and with gratitude, and from the list compiled, you decide which actions are feasible for you to take up and commit to.

Once you decide the way forward, it’s always a good idea where possible to close the loop with your feedback giver. Sometimes, this follow-up might simply mean implementing the suggestions given; other times you may want to set up another meeting to discuss progress on action points.

Focus on the Positives

The most important thing about receiving feedback is to focus equally on what went well! Because of our inherent negativity-bias, people tend to focus mainly on the negative comments, either to ‘criticize the criticism’ or to dwell on the ‘hopelessness’ of the situation. So positive comments are rarely acted on; whereas in truth they are as important – in fact more so, if you want to take a strengths-based approach to your building competencies, changing behaviour and achieving goals.

With practice, you will learn to handle the harshest criticism with ease and grace; and it won’t feel like such a personal attack anymore. You may even start realizing Feedback for the gift that it truly is.